City of Cans
by Cooked Shark
Summary: What happens when you're stuck on an asteroid for three years with nothing but cans and imagination? Also, jegus and gog are stylistic choices made to avoid blasphemy.


The bright lights of the city blinded Clary as she stood in line for the hottest club in town. Her best friend, Simon, stood next to her. After a little while, Simon voiced his discontent.

"I cant believe you dragged me here  
this place is so shitty its off the hook

it is mutually exclusive with the hook

they cant exist in the same frame of reference or something

shit be non-euclidean all up in here"

Clary said something quietly.

"okay thats pretty much true" said Simon.

"but don't be thinking that I actually like it here just because I offered to come along and drag your sorry ass out of trouble if shit gets too hot"

Up ahead, a boy with electric blue hair and deep green eyes was trying to get into the club. He was holding a wooden two-by-four, and arguing loudly with the bouncers about why he should be let in.

"I Really Dont Know Why I Am Required To Do This" he said. "You Could Easily Have Found Someone Else Who Would Have Participated In Your Senseless Japery"

"what the fuck even was that" replied the bouncer. "its like youre not even trying"

"Sorry" replied the boy. "I Am In Fact A Normal Adolescent Human With Nothing To Hide"

"of course you are" said the bouncer.

"Excellent" replied the boy. "Then Perhaps I May Be Allowed To Enter The Rhythmic Gyration Block"

The bouncer let out a frustrated groan and performe Facepalm Combo.

"sure whatever" he said. "just get the fuck in so when can get this over with"

Blue-haired boy entered the club, and Clary muttered something to Simon.

"whoa shit clary" replied Simon. "like how perceptive even are you"

They entered the club. Inside the club, the air was thick with the sweet, sugary scent of Tab. Clary saw a young woman in a long, white dress and red glasses leading the blue-haired boy into a storeroom, accompanied by a couple of other young men in less ostentatious get-up. She pointed this out to Simon.

"are you sure" said Simon. "i like totally dont see anyone matching that description"

Clary rolled her eyes and decided to go and pursue the other teenagers.

The four teenagers were gathered in some kind of storage room.

"So This Is The Part Where I Carry Myself With Bravado And Am Shown The Error Of My Ways" said the blue-haired boy.

"thats about the size of it" said the blond boy.

"1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T 1S 4CTU4LLY GO1NG ON H3R3" said the girl in the long dress.

"then maybe you should look or something" said the blond boy again. "like do you even have eyes

oh yeah"

"1M BL1ND, J4C3"

"no you arent miss

uh

whats your name

its like some twilight shit

isabella

fuck it youre Isabella now"

"I DON'T SEE WHAT YOUR REDROM FLIRTING IS GOING TO ACHIEVE. ARE YOU TWO EVEN BIOLOGICALLY COMPATIBLE? I MEAN, ONE OF YOU IS FROM A SPECIES THAT FUCKING GROWS ITS WIGGLERS INSIDE SOME KIND OF ATROPHIED SPITE BLADDER LIKE THEY'RE AN ALIEN PARASITE WAITING TO BURST OUT THROUGH YOUR CHEST AND MAKE DISGUSTING HUMAN LOVE TO SOME POOR NOOK-SUCKER'S FACE."

"what the fuck was that alec"

"ALEC? WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ALEC?"

"its your name now"

"NO. FUCK YOU, JACE. FUCK YOU AND ALL OF YOUR BIOLOGICALLY QUESTIONABLE REDROM FLIRTING WITH POOR, BLIND… WHAT DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS AGAIN?"

"isabella"

"FUUUUUUCK. THAT'S IT. I'M OUT."

And with that, Alec stormed out of the room, kicking over a sealed can of sauerkraut that happened to be nearby. Clary watched in appalled disgust and, as soon as Alec had gone, immediately grabbed the can of sauerkraut and nibbled at it. Unfortunately her teeth were too small and nubby to pierce it, but maybe someone would help with that later.

"Can We Just Get This Over With" said blue hair. "I Have Things I Would Like To Do"

"like rose" said Jace.

"That Makes No Sense In The Context of The Narrative" blue hair paused for a moment. "In Fact None Of This Does

Just Kill Me Already"

Jace drew a gleaming, broken sword and skewered blue-hair through the stomach, piercing his purple, bloodied scarf.

"Rosebud" said blue-hair.

Clary scuttled off and told Simon everything she'd seen.

"thats pretty fucking crazy shit right there clary" said Simon. "like didnt you even go and get security

also this jace guy sounds incredibly handsome and attractive

and is probably like the coolest guy around"

"SUCH 4 COOLK1D" said Isabella.

"what the fuck you arent even here" said Simon. "oh hey looks like dead cat girl and dead horse guy want to get in on the action"

":33 suddenly clary has her speaker-crab ring! her mother is on the other end and is very upset that her purr little wiggler is not home yet!"

Clary answered the speaker-crab.

":33 clary's mother can't stay mad at her daughter who is so awesome and cool, but she must be home later so she can have her whiskers brushed!"

"D - This is f001ishness" said Luke, Jocelyn's friend. "D - I do not see what you hope to accomplish by engaging in needless masquerade with lowb100ds"

":33 be quiet, luke!" said Jocelyn. "hisses clary's mother, Jocelyn!"

"D - You know very well that my name is not 100ke, Nepeta" said Luke. "D - you will cease this at once"

"who the fuck is nepeta" said Simon.

"SHE'S ONE OF MY BEST FUCKING FRIENDS, YOU INCONSIDERATE DOUCHENOZZLE," Alec's voice rang out from another room.

"oh my fucking gog" said Simon. "its like were never even going to get this off the ground

i quit

im done"

"BUT WH4T 4BOUT TH3 S1L3NT BROTH3RS 4ND TH3 BL1ND PROPH3T?" said Isabella.

"i don't give a shit ter

isabella" said Simon.

"YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST MATESPRIT IN HISTORY," said Alec. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

Dave put down the cans he was using to represent Jace and Simon.

"what the fuck karkat

we arent even dating you dense tool"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DENSE TOOL YOU IGNORANT FUCKWIT? IF I HEAR ONE MORE POORLY-EXECUTED REDROM FLIRTATION VOMITED FROM YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF PYROPE I WILL FUCKING HANG MYSELF LIKE ONE OF PYROPE'S SCALEMATES, SO HELP ME JEGUS."

"what

no

what is wrong with you"

"If Youre Quite Done I Have A Date"

":33 ac is upset to see her fur-riends fighting like this and tries to pull them apart!"

"D - Nepeta, I insist that you immediately cease this f001ishness"


End file.
